Why do we feel ashamed? An answer for your emails.

You sent me some emails with a question of why I said in public that I was a victim of violence, why I shared on the Internet what was happening in my family. There are many reasons for that. One of them is shame. I felt ashamed since I remember. And I need you to recall – I am just an example, there are millions of people like me. Maybe even you know this shame from your own experience. Do you? I hope you don’t! Anyway one day I discovered it was much easier for me to notice there was nothing to be ashamed of when I looked at somebody else talking about difficult things openly. I realized shame makes us silent, alone and unreal, shame generates secrets and taboos,  shame doesn’t let us say loudly “stop, I see it and this is wrong”. I believe every voice to break the shame matters in many ways!

The core of my shame was feeling guilty about what happened to me and all the violence I witnessed. I felt guilty of everything and ashamed of who I was. Do you remember my sharing? I told you I was a child rasing in a pathological family. I hope you see how illogical my emotions were. I hope you think a victim is never guilty. None of the victims did something wrong, none of us did something to provoke the violence, none of us did something to deserve that. No matter we were children, teenagers or adults. Male or female. None of us!  But look around and listen to how people talk. Listen to the stories of girls who shouldn’t wear short skirts because they provoke rapes, children who don’t behave well enough so they need punishments to correct their attitude, wives who don’t fulfill the needs of their husbands and they are reasons of constant fights, betrayals … That’s the way society makes victims feel more guilty and ashamed when their own shame and guilt are hard enough to stand.
Why do we feel ashamed? We are afraid people wouldn’t believe us, they would blame us, we would be excluded, rejected, humiliated. We have reasons to be afraid of that. Do you remember how it was at school when you started wearing glasses, your clothes were out of fashion or there was something other kids hated you for? It is like that time never ended because there are people who still react in the same way. This is also something many of us have experienced in our families. And no support anywhere. Nothing to learn we were important, beautiful and good enough. This is hard to imagine we can experience something good when we open up. There is no trust because there was never anyone worth trusting. But when you understand it, you can become this person for us. You can help us break the pattern.
Repeat after me, please:
There’s no shame in being vulnerable. There’s no shame in being hurt. There’s no shame in being yourself. That’s the beauty of being human.
Share it to let more people know you understand. It matters!


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